Mistakes.

“Although it hurts,
I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong;
Oh, I know I’m probably much too late,
To try and apologize for my mistakes”

– Bruno Mars

I royally screwed myself.

I had the best person in my arms, and I let them slip through my fingers. Along the way, I lost myself. I became so immersed in that relationship that I forgot who I was and what my goals were. I was stagnant, while the rest of the world kept on spinning. I didn’t move forward, but backwards. I took regressing steps in the way where I didn’t worry about myself. I only cared about the others around me, and lived vicariously through them. I lost the love of my life, but I can only blame myself. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t progressing in life. No one wants to be with someone who has disappointed everyone she’s ever cared about. I know that that may be a drastic statement, but it has been true at some point in my life.

Looking back on it, I really wish I had a time machine or some sort of do-over. Just as I was starting to get my shit together, I lost it all. I was left alone, and lost. The love for me wasn’t enough to overcome all my failures. As time has been going on, for about a month now I’ve realized I’m completely alone. No one will ever understand what’s going on but me. I’ve realized how alone you can be, even when you have friends. My brain is a dark and scary place where I don’t want to be alone. Now, I’ve never been more alone.

I don’t want to be alone, that’s one of my biggest fears. I feel like the only people who understand me are the singers who sing my thoughts. They are my solace, and that’s not a good feeling. I only have so many people I can talk to, and I have limited resources. Everyone talks about “the world is yours, you just have to grab it!” Or whatever. I’ve learned that’s not true. You are alone in this world, and you are the only one you can save yourself from complete darkness. I’m slipping, and I’m scared.

I’m vulnerable, and my security blanket is gone. When I was with him, my anxiety subsided. I was so secure in all my choices because I knew I had someone who would always back me up. I had someone who loved me through all my flaws. I was so comfortable and didn’t want to move. I’m so angry, but angry at myself because I did this. I lost him. It’s all my fault, and I’ve tried everything to fix it but I can’t. I can’t. Those are the hardest words to make yourself say. As humans we don’t want to give up, and I’m not. But there are some things you have to give up on. I don’t want to give up on this, but it seems like a futile effort. I just wish I had some sort of sign to know it’s not over. I’ve received nothing but negative reinforcement.

There are scars, deep ones on my heart. Who would ever want someone who is so damaged? Someone who will never, ever be the same. Someone who lost everything. They were the center of my universe (which I know is not healthy), but all those cords holding me to that center were severed. Cut, without warning. How do you stay on the ground if you’re free falling? I don’t know. I don’t know if this will ever get better.

This is the first time I’ve ever suffered a true broken heart. Truly broken, I am. It’s not fair. I want a chance to change, but there’s so much damage already done. How do I fix this? People tell me to focus on myself, but how can I do that when I don’t know where I stand.

I know I’m just venting, but like I said I have no one to talk to. I’ve never felt this way, and it’s scary. It’s getting hard to pretend I’m okay. I’m not.

– Hannah

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