Right back where I started.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down,
And I do appreciate you being ’round;
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?”
– The Beatles

I literally cannot handle my life right now. I NEED HELP.

My life is in shambles, allow me to elaborate:

SO, the last couple posts I was like “blah, blah, I need a job.”

I had one, then lost it. I lost it because recently I got diagnosed with a stomach issue that is aggravated by my anxiety, which has recently gotten worse. So much worse. I sometimes get physically sick to where at my former job, I’d have to go home because my throat would close up, I’d get all hot and sweaty and almost passed out a couple times. I just get anxiety/panic attacks. I got so sick of being sick (no pun intended), to where I drove home to Portland and made an emergency appointment with my doctor. I started seeing a new doctor, and he diagnosed me and put me on this new anxiety medication which is 60mg. I tried to take it and I decided it was too strong, so as of late I haven’t been taking anything and have been trying to calm myself down naturally. It works usually, and I’m very proud of myself for that. My doctor is doing all these tests to see if I have crohn’s disease, or celiacs or whatever. That’s serious stuff. That’s how serious it is. I haven’t found out anything yet, so my health has kind of been put on the back burner at the moment.

Anyways, I got let go from that job which I LOVED. It was so fun, and I loved everyone I worked with so naturally I was devastated when I got let go. I picked myself up by my bootstraps and was like “okay, yeah I’ll find another job it’s cool!”

Nope, hasn’t happened. Also, my dad recently cut me off financially because I’m 21 now. Basically, my mom has been supporting me and I’m literally bleeding her dry. I feel so guilty, and I know there’s not much more she can do. I’ve looked online, and there are jobs available. I don’t know why I haven’t applied yet. I’m just so stressed out I don’t even know where to begin. I’m back where I started, because I literally cannot afford my style of living. I’m locked into this lease now and can’t get out of it. I feel so trapped.

It may just seem like I’m being pessimistic, and there are a lot of good things in my life too. Yeah the whole thing with my ex sucked, but it’s the least of my worries. I’ve started dating again, which is a great thing for me (even though it’s not that big of a deal). Also, a lot of my friends are back in eugene now, so I can hang out with them. I’ve been very bored…

It’s just really hard to be optimistic when all these stresses are on me. They are weighing on me like I almost can’t breathe. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, I am sisyphus pushing that huge boulder up the hill only for it to roll back to the bottom, and I have to do it all over again. All my efforts seem futile because I’m now starting to see the big picture, only to realize I have no plan. I have a short term plan, but where am I going with all this?

I was thinking of a doing a year long multimedia program at Lane. Then I was thinking of going to cosmetology school in Portland. Finally, I’d be in the film industry doing something (even if it’s getting coffee, I don’t care). I’ve always wanted to work in that industry. I’d eventually move to California, and then go from there. BUT I HAVE NO BIG PICTURE. I don’t have my life planned out and it freaks me out. I mean no one does right?

I just need to find a job, that’s my mini-plan right now. Sorry for the venting, any advice?


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