A loud annoying pop song ringtone jars the silence in the computer lab. A blushing student frantically gropes around in their bag, fumbles the phone a few times before answering it. Making huge gestures of apology at the glaring students in the lab, the student retreats out the door into the commons. 

Student: Hello! So glad to finally get your call!

Phil: Hey, man. Is now a good time for you to tell me how I can be the best media student ever?

Unbidden, the Pokemon theme song sprang into the student’s brain.

Student: Of course! But wouldn’t you rather meet up in person? I mean, video chat is a pretty cool way to tour campus, but it would drain my battery way less if you just walked with me. 

Phil: How about we meet up later? Anyways, you’re a media student, you should love media.

Student: Ok, Phil, if that’s how you roll. All right. So in order to do many of the assignments, you will want to use more than your cell phone to take pictures and record video. But if you’re like most students, you can’t simply go drop a couple grand on equipment. To make sure you can still work with quality equipment, you can head to the bottom floor of building 17 to the media checkout counter. They’re only open twice a day, an hour at a time, but they offer the equipment you need to get your homework done. While you’re there, look for Steve Buscemi! 

Phil: Wow, that’s handy. 

Student: I know, right? 

Phil: But what if I want to shoot something and I need a BIG setup?

Student: Well, next door to the media checkout, we have a big blue wall with studio lighting!

Phil: How big, how blue, how beautiful! Hey man, I’m getting kinda hungry.

Student. Well good thing I know where to get free food.

Phil: Free? Show me.

Student: Check out the Center for Student Engagement, in the Center building, second floor. They have free popcorn. And if you hate people making noise when you study, you can reserve a room of quietness. You can use their common room for meetings. They also have giant Jenga blocks. 

Phil: That’s…cute.

Student: You know what I find cute, Phil? Climbing up and down all these stairs for a video tour, for free.

Phil: Aren’t you getting homework points?

Student: ….

Student: I need to go stare at some art. Let’s head down to building 17, where we find an art gallery. I’ll pan around the room to give you a feel for the place.

Phil: Is that a big mass of fun fur on the wall?

Student: PHIL! You can’t just ask people if their art is made of fun fur!! It’s high-quality locally harvested and dyed animal fiber. Have some class, Phil! Ok, let’s quickly move back out to the hallway.

Phil: Ohh, I am getting a feel for what this piece is. It’s a commentary on the dilemma of the art student: do I use my limited funds to buy art to enrich my life, or do I use them for art supplies so I can make art to enrich life and be successful? And the dog-ok, I actually have no idea why they are using a dog.

Student: Actually I’m not sure he’s supposed to be in here. This isn’t an art piece, it’s the Art-O-Matic. You can buy art from it. Watch.

The student hands a fiver to the dog, who gleefully puts it in the Art-O-Matic to get a tiny piece of handmade art. 

Phil: But isn’t that an economy art piece itself?

The student stares into space, in the turbulence of an existential crisis. But since the student is sleep deprived and over caffeinated, a flash of shiny light from a rare spot of sunshine outside distracts the student, who grins and heads out the door.

Student: So now let’s go check out the Library, back in the Center building!

Phil: We literally just left Center a couple steps ago, and we’re going back?

Student: I’m just following the list, man.

Phil: Not being judgy, but it looks like your Library has a pest problem.

Student: Phil, if you have to precede it with, “I’m not being judgy”, that’s a pretty good indication you’re being judgy. Let’s go check out the Wellness Building!

Phil: That sounds like a great idea!

Student: And while we’re here, let’s admire this really nifty silvery obelisk!

Phil: Obelisks aren’t cylindrical, they’re rectangular prisms.

Student: WHO’S GIVING THE TOUR HERE, PHIL?

Phil: Sorry! So what’s in the Wellness Building?

Nothing is heard from the student for a few long minutes as they stomp across campus.

Phil: So we don’t get to find out what’s in the Wellness Building?

Student: Here we are back in Building 17, and here’s Mary Jo Kreindel’s office. She knows stuff. If you need to know who in the art department to talk to or where to go, Mary Jo is in the know!

Student: Now back to the Center building, right inside the Library. This is the Student Media Lab. It’s a great little lab because the computers have the Adobe Creative Suite.

Phil: Yeah, I can totally read the sign. 

Student: Phil, this relationship has a bit too much sarcasm for me.

Phil: That got real quick.

Student: And back to building 17!

Phil: I will never need to ask where 17 or the Center buildings are ever again!

Student: We’re going in order! So, upstairs we have Judy Gates’ office.

Phil: Oh, Judy Gates? Is she the main character in a modern sci fi epic? 

Student: Even better! She’s the adviser for Media Arts, and can help you figure out what classes you should take, how your credits transfer, and key steps you need to take to get what you need to graduate and be successful. 

Phil: Oh, nice, I’d write fan fiction of that! Judy Gates, the hero, stopping students from taking unnecessary classes and saving the world from aliens at the same time!

Student: Now back to building 17, to the second floor, up these stairs in the scary darkness. I’m 99% certain there are vampires in the shadows under here, so let’s go quickly!

Phil: So this is where media students can hang?

Student: You betcha! And in the middle doorway is another media lab. You’ve got a lots of options where you can do your homework.

Phil: This all looks awesome. I’m so glad I’m a media student. Now, gotta keep it real here. I am having some problems with my financial aid, where do I sort that out?

Student: Follow me to the Students First Building. The bottom floor has a financial aid counter and many student services such as general advising. Upstairs we have the multicultural center and other student services like the Rainy Day Pantry. 

Phil: Those flags are making my day brighter already! Hey, man, I know you have done a lot of walking, but would you mind meeting me in the Math and Science Center, downstairs, in the aquariums?

Student: Sure, but don’t you mean by the aquariums?

Phil: Actually, not so much. Hey, I’m Phil, nice to meet you.

Student: What? No.

Phil: Thanks for the tour! I’m totally prepared to be a media student now.

Student: Phil, you’re an eel.

Phil: And a ridiculously attractive eel, am I right? I’m on fleek!

Student: Phil, I don’t know. I’m not an eel and I don’t know what eels are into. But uh, how are you going to operate the equipment from inside an aquarium? I’m pretty sure the Canon Rebels are not waterproof. Actually, how are you even going to get to class?

Phil: Uhhh, I dunno. I didn’t actually think of that. 

Student: Maybe you should.

Phil: I literally can’t even. They study me here, you know. I don’t think they’re gonna want me to leave. I’m a big deal around here! I’m famous!

Student: Sounds bad, man. Well, I guess that wraps up my tour! I certainly met my goal steps today. 

Phil: Wow, that’s impressive. I never meet my step goals.

Student: You don’t take steps, Phil.

I don’t know if Phil and Student will continue their friendship, but Phil is certainly more prepared to be the very best media student ever. He even found the Lane website with a plethora of information. Now if only he can figure out how to attend class.